OP/ED in the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer (Columbus, GA). Karen Spears Zacharias is the author of HEROMAMA. http://www.heromama.org/

Commentary: Coulter: God deserves better than this

By Karen Spears Zacharias

Illustration by Donnie Coker

Ann Coulter is in need of a debilitating illness, preferably one that would involve paralyzing hand cramps and severing her vocal chords. Call me old-fashioned but I miss the days when angels had the power to silence people spouting dumb remarks, like Gabriel did when he rendered old Zach mute. (For you Biblically-challenged folks reference Luke 1:19 & 20).

Apparently Coulter either failed or got expelled from Mable Sally’s School of Charm. Mable would never have approved of that skimpy cocktail dress Coulter wore on the Today Show as appropriate attire for a taping of a national morning news show. Of course, Mable touted good manners at all times.

 Coulter’s devotees, who according to sales at Amazon number in the thousands (have you no shame?), claim she’s God’s PR agent. But I got a sneaking suspicion that Coulter bound and gagged God before stuffing him in the hall closet, in order to snag the job. She better look out, though, because I’m betting as soon as God gets loose, he’s liable to slap her silly. But, then again, would anybody really notice?

 Truth is, for all her shrill-thrill God Rules theology, Coulter is nothing but a shameless hussy. A publicity lot lizard, who has managed to make millions by misusing her mouth. I feel for her dental hygienist, having to crawl around inside that cavernous orifice, given all the crap that flows in a steady stream from it.

 The latest rot to spew forth is her assertion that a group of 9-11 widows from New Jersey are exploiting the deaths of their husbands.

 “I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much,” Coulter said in her latest book, which doesn’t warrant mention. Coulter wrote that the widows were millionaires as a result of compensation settlements and were “reveling in their status as celebrities.” She goes on to call them “harpies” (takes one to know one, I guess) and suggests that their husbands may have been planning on divorcing them.

 If I were Coulter’s mother, I’d buy a Berka and go into hiding in a Muslim country. I would not, under any circumstances or threat of torture, claim her as my child. I’d spend the rest of my life repenting for all those opportunities I missed to teach her about extending mercy to the hurting, compassion to the grieving, and love to all people, especially the ones who don’t think or look like us. And I’d deeply mourn all the times I indulged her hissy-fits and failed to wash her mouth out with soap.

But, then again if I were her mother, I wouldn’t tolerate her nasty attitude no matter how big her bank account got. I’d put that bony-butt bleachy-haired blonde in her place before she could harm another soul. And I wouldn’t need Gabriel’s help to do it, neither. 

Just a roll of duct tape and an Ivory bar.